it's really disgusting to me that there is still racism in this world.. more importantly so close to me.

if someone is mad at me, i want them to take it out on me, not people around me.
if you are jealous or upset with things that are going on in my life- that's your problem.
but referring to people that i love by their skin color is just plain and simply fucked up.

don't try to act like you're ghetto by wearing big gold earrings and your cool nike's if you're willing to refer to my boyfriend as a "black dick to suck".

grow up.

w33d

it seems like the night time is the worst time. it's when all the adventures of a new day settle down, and reality truely sinks in. it's when i'm sitting on my couch alone, realizing that no one is really here.

i really am trying to be optimitistic and look into my future as an empty canvas that i can fill with anything i want. and i know that's true, but it's just very hard to absorb at the moment.

i feel like my life is caving in around me and i just want to run out into the street and just scream. or maybe not scream and get run over by a bus. maybe then these damn faucets in my eyes will shut off and stop these tears from pouring out.

3 years of always being with someone, and now i'm thrown into the fire pit of loneliness. how did i get here, WHY did i get here? i've never been one to regret, but i do regret that stupid night. i wish i could take it back because nothing good came of it. i've been blinded by my own foolishness for too long. it's time that i woke up and realized that guys aren't what you make them out to be, they just are who they are.

i guess my conversation today was a blessing in disguise. it put things in perspective and made me realize a lot of things. you can't believe everything someone tells you. some people have their own problems that they need to deal with and you simply can't involve yourself.

orlando in two weeks. i don't think i've ever been anxious to return there, but i am this time. i need to get away from the memories that lurk around every corner. i wish i could throw my computer out the window. it leaves too much open for interpretation. it makes my heart pound in anticipation that maybe this will be the hour i'll get the attention i'm craving so badly.

life goes on, right?

"Gone is the romance that was so divine
'Tis broken and cannot be mended
You must go your way and I must go mine"

i guess this might be a shocker to a lot of people- but mike and i broke up.

i am optimistic for the future and i think everything will be ok.

it's funny how nowadays you have to not only delete someone from your mind and life, but also from your online life as well.  it's honestly really funny, but i know in the long run it will be so good for me.  and mike as well. 

i don't know how i've been friends with him for so long.  i was so naive and wrapped up in this prior claim i felt.  it's time that i realize that that prior claim means nothing now, and he means nothing. 

most girls have the "asshole" syndrome, and it's about time i got over that.  since i've met mike i have been the happiest i've ever been.  he is absolutely amazing, and i need to teach myself that i do deserve him- i deserve better than what i used to receive.  i don't need to keep assholes in my life anymore, i can be strong and let them go and only surround myself with the happiness that mike brings into my life.

well, i think i've finally realized that.  i let the last asshole in my life go.  i will never speak to him again, and i'm mad at myself that we spoke today.   i wish i could rewind and not responded to any phone calls, text messages, or IMs.  i can't stand to hear another hurtful thing.

prime examples of people who think they know about me, my life, my relationship, my boyfriend, and my current living situation- yet hasn't witnessed it first hand:

before this part, he was telling me that when you move in with someone everything changes. and normally, i would agree with that. but i think mike and i are acceptions to that:

000flaminghobos: ;-)

masta kris: no, i'ma say my shit

i000flaminghobos: haha

i000flaminghobos: you're every woman..it's all in you

i000flaminghobos: say it nerd

i000flaminghobos: you get so mad...but im sorry..if you can't see the difference in living in a dorm and living in your own place..i don't know what to tell you..it's mad different


masta kris: mine and mike's living situation is different than most couples. yes, technically we don't have the same residential address, our apt # is different. but, we do share our living spaces with eachother. for example: we use his apartment as our hanging out/eating/watching tv, etc space. then, we use my apartment as our sleeping/shower/whatever space. we share everything in our "own" apartments. we don't have two sets of things like dishes or pots/pans. we have "our" set of dishes/pots and pans. it's the same thing.

masta kris: and you can try to tell me all you want that it's different, but until you have lived in my situation, or have witnessed my situation- you have no idea.

i000flaminghobos: ok..you also don't pay bills.

i000flaminghobos: it's cool you guys share shit

i000flaminghobos: but..you still have YOUR place to goto

masta kris: but i don't need a place to go to.

i000flaminghobos: it's totally different.

i000flaminghobos: haha..not at the moment

i000flaminghobos: look im not against you

masta kris: you act like we've been together for a week

i000flaminghobos: i don't know why you think you need to explain this

masta kris: because i don't like that you're trying to act like you know more about a situation than i do.

i000flaminghobos: because im just telling you..living in a dorm..and living in your own place..in the world of reality..are different

i000flaminghobos: i know plenty more about living with someone you're with than you

i000flaminghobos: it's different..sorry brah

masta kris: what make syou think living in a dorm is different than reality? i used to live in my own apartment and mike was there just as much as i was. that was for 6 months. the only reason i'm living in the dorm is bc it's the only thing my loans will pay for.

i000flaminghobos: look..i'll still make out with you..no matter how mean you get

masta kris: him and i both have bills we pay for.. you're argument is not substantial

i000flaminghobos: look dude..i lived with lori for like 7 months..things channnnge ...what bills do you have

i000flaminghobos: look dude..don't argue this..i hope you and mike and delaware all agree that living in a dorm..having financial aid..and parents..and a part time job is just the same as otherwise living independently..but..new york disagrees...

masta kris: ok, now you're getting personal. fyi: my parents don't give me money unless i simply cannot pay my bills. and yes, i have my own bills. don't treat me like i'm some spoiled brat not living in the real world. fuck you for thinking that i just sit on my ass all day and go to work one day a week. i happen to be working 40 hours this week, and attending 20 hours of class. plus, all the homework i have to do. and yes, homework does take up time. i don't sit on the computer just staring at the screen waiting for you to IM me.

masta kris: you're such an asshole

masta kris: stop trying to act like you know everything and that your life is so fucking hard. and no ones life could possibily be as difficult as yours. other people do work just as hard as you.

ok, so then he didn't say anything back.

can i please get some backup on this?!

so check it! i'm tired of people trying to act like they're my friend, and they're really not. they want me to do all the fucking work. i've been doing this shit for 5 fucking years, and i'm done. i'm tired of saying i miss you and want to hang out, and not getting anything back. i'm sorry that i'm extremely busy and don't have time or money to go to nyc to visit you- COME TO PHILLY mother fucker. damn. and to think i actually thought about breaking up with my boyfriend for you! and you just treat me like ass and try to make me feel stupid when i stick up for myself.


i'm beyond over it.

fuck you!

THE WORST COLD EVER HAS TAKEN PERMANENT RESIDENCE IN MY BODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeeeeeeeeeah! i got my first internship.
miskeen!
i'm really excited about it

i'm so fucking sick and it's retarded. mike and i have fevers and can't breathe. haha. it sucks.
i have a doctors appointment on tuesday, but too bad i don't have $20 to pay the co-pay. i don't know what i'm going to do. anyone want to lend me $20? haha

i feel like i'm getting better at time management. maybe it's because i'm taking six classes and i have to be way on top of things in order to not die. but let me tell you one thing- i can't wait for this damn quarter to end!

my parents are coming the day before my birthday, and i'm really excited. it'll be nice to be with them on my birthday, since last year i wasn't. i can't believe i'm going to be 22, it's so weird!

after my parents leave, mike and i will be able to stay with his parents in delaware. in their new house! i'm really excited. and we can go to the beach and play in the water! i love that.

and maybe after 10 weeks of working out, i'll look a little better in my bathing suit!

oh and p.s.- i reached my first goal of 6 whole weeks of working out 5 days a week! so far a few people have told me i looked like i lost weight, hopefully they weren't just saying that to be nice though. i need an honest opinion. so if you see me, let me know. hahah